I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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