You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
