It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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