Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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