At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
