note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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