I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
