I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
