Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
