I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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