I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
