I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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