Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
