What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize