I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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