i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
