I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
