he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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