overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
