I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
