My liver just broke up with me...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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