If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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