Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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