God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
