My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
