I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
