Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
