oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i was born a porn star she said
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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