I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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