I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
