I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
