I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
