Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
