Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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