Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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