Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
