I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
