I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Randomize
