she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I am midnight drunk by noon
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
