We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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