Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
