Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We had to coat check the pizza.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
