Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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