Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize