Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
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