so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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