just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
