I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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