____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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