Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
