my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
