I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My ass is underappreciated
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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