she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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