Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize