I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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