I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
