She's JV to your varsity
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
