The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
