My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
