she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
