Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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