Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
