i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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