i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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