My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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