Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
