You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
